Epiphany

EPIPHANY - PROSE

I had a sudden revelation of truth inspired by a seemingly trivial incident. It seemed like something that popped out of a James Joyce Novel. Initially, it did not make sense to me. I moved along the current of life’s unending flow. Slowly, but yes; steadily, I could relate to whatever that was happening around me and lo! Epiphany struck.

I am sure all of the above would seem like English algorithm. I am not surprised. That’s what I felt first when the thought came to my mind. I was writing on a piece of paper and my thoughts wandered off. It was like an exalt. The puzzle was ridiculously modest and I tried to figure it out myself. I sat alone and thought for a very long time. I could hear mom yelling for me, but then the vision was so diminutive that I couldn’t let it go. I had to explore through it, think it out.

The vision was about me. It had answers to almost all the questions that I had about myself. Questions; that I have asked myself for ever and for ever and never found an answer. Consider a situation, wherein, you are trying your level best to understand yourself, gauge your highs and lows, trying to figure out the reasons for your defeat with life and people. Each time you return with nothing less than an empty hand and gods tight lipped. It is frustrating, upbeat, dejecting and it’d kill you if you don’t treat it immediately.

I met this girl online, let’s call her Nisha. That was the name she used when she introduced herself. She lied and I wouldn’t blame her for it. Our initial few confrontations were spiky and we argued over nothing less than dust. The arguments did not make sense, not to her and I was always clueless about why we argued, but then – shit happens! So, yes, all in all we had a mind boggling war of words and to tell you’ll the truth, I enjoyed it. She was witty and quick with words, putting her into the clan of people I’d like to associate myself with. There’s something called mind-waves, if you’ll know what that means. It’s complex sometimes, because it falls into psychology and hypothetic science.

I messaged her one day, because a lot of people had questions about her sexuality. I was curious myself and I had to know! So, yeah… I spoke to her and managed to strike up a conversation alright; the lucky fact was, it did not stop for a few days. I was enjoying the usual bouts of arguments and she decided that she wanted to talk to me. Talk, as in actually call me up and speak. She had this urge since a few days (that’s what I’m guessing, from a question she asked). She started off like, “Would it be desperate for a girl to ask a guy for his Phone number?” I was like, “Uhh, what’s with the sexes? If you wanna ask, just ask!” So she responds, “Ok, give me”! I knew that she was gonna ask and thus, I had the number ready! Good, so she’s got my number. Then, I waited for her to call… but then she was crafty enough to not call me for a couple of days!

I got hectic with work and stuff, and thus I couldn’t get online for a couple of days. I also forgot that I had given her my phone number. I had made it picture perfect that I wouldn’t answer phone calls that came in before 12:30 pm IST, cause I’d be sleeping. She said she’d call me when she felt like speaking to me! I couldn’t care less at that point of time, cause I never expected a call from her. Then one day she called, at uhm, 11 A.M in the morning. I was sleeping and my sister decided that it was best to let me know that someone named Nisha wanted to talk to me. I was like, “Uhh, who?” Really drowsy and yawnish, I was about to bang the phone, but some sudden urge forced me into saying a Hello? And heh, we started speaking. Funny, but I lost my sleep then and started yapping away. It usually doesn’t happen, but I managed to delve in a small comfort zone between her wit and my own.

Finally, after having spoken enough it was decided that like minds; in a lot of different ways, must meet. So we decided to meet up. We were supposed to meet on a Saturday and I was pretty excited. Luck ditched us and she fell sick. Poor thing, she had to attend an important birthday bash party on Sunday and she goes down with viral just 3 days ahead of it. I felt bad about her not being able to attend the Sunday party, cause she was so excited about it. Fortunately, for her; she’s so human… that internal craving in her to attend the party got the better of her infection and she made it and as far as I know, she had a ball! She sounded elated when I asked her about it the next day.

Then on Monday, we were talking as usual, and she decided that we had to meet up that very day. I had time and I wanted to meet her myself, so lo! I go and look who shows up! A blue-eyed damsel, neatly dressed, a perfect smile and a confident handshake! She was late, almost 17 minutes and she was taller than I was. Well, we walked into this library – Crosswords which also had a small cafeteria. Both of us were seemingly hungry and thus we decided to grab a bite and some coffee. She asks me, “Cold coffee or hot coffee? Its hot coffee for me” I made up my mind pretty quick, “Cold coffee for me!” Then we got some munchies, a couple of chairs and sat ourselves down for a coffee talk!

I was careful to not look like one of those guys that girls are generally scared off. Scared? Even like some of those guys who usually disgust girls, heh, battery eyed, nerdy, and completely parched off chicks! You know the typical, ohhh-I-need-love; I am single and ready to mingle kinda looks? I was careful to avoid that. I had nothing on my mind, but if I was my normal self, she’d have assumed that I was just another hole-hungry guy; like one of her seniors had put through, hah, that was freakin’ funny! My normal self includes a lot of !@#$ (censored words). I’m used to a lot of laughter, did I tell you’ll? I’m all full of laughing gas! All in all, you could sum me up as a guy who’d do anything for a laugh! This lady here, of course, wasn’t the kinds, or so I thought. To describe her more… she was uhm, blue-eyed like I already mentioned and *dr000l* whoa, they looked real cute on her! I tried to not scrutinize her the first time our eyes met. Again, that was a sign of you-know-who! So, as I mentioned, we shook hands, I was skeptical and I nearly had that intuition that she’d surely raise her hands first, which she did and wow!! She was confident… unlike a few other girls I know. Huh! Give me a break, I know! We need to start from the part where we were about to have coffee, but then, this is what I’d term as a small flash back into a wonderful introduction I had with a girl I met online. I then paced up Sohrab Hall along with her. I did not know where Crosswords was, heh, embarasking*! Ok, so here we found a good table at the cafeteria and like I said – sat ourselves down for coffee and talk.

Alright, now is when I had to look down to see her feet. You’d wonder why. Well, have you heard of eye-crotches? I’ll tell you, it’s the first thing someone would notice or would find appealing in their opposite sex. It’s different for different people. Ohhh common!!! It does not have to be the crotch that’d cause you an erection, geez! It’s just the uhm… ahh, forget it; I wouldn’t care to explain! To give you a better idea, some of us might notice a person’s eye to begin with, then the lips, the smile (which covers the teeth), the hair, ears, nose… and so on! As mentioned it’s different for different people. In my case, I generally look down, find the feet and I can make a vague assumption about that person’s feelings. You’d find it funny if I say that I hugely rely on the type of footwear they have, trust me… it makes a huge impact and I’m positive about this. So, in her case – she had this chilled out pair of kitto’s. That’s what I usually call them; you know the unisex strapped one’s that you’d wear with denim? Yeah, so, it was blue as far as I can reconcile, a dark blue pair of denims, maroon to… dark brownish if I am not wrong, yeah, that was the color of the kurta type top that she wore. Her hair bounced as she walked and was mahoganish* in color. I nearly wondered how she managed with hair that bounced so much and was in such a lot of unrest! Heh, that’s when I realized that she was such a busy person; such a lot of stuff to be doing! *winks*.

We bought some coffee and munches like I said and I knew she wouldn’t let me pay the whole amount and thus I did not bother to do the “Let me pay please…” thing! I mean, that’s so stupid and old. I don’t think it impresses girls anymore. She gave me 50 bucks and I still have it with me. I mean, in memento to our first meeting. Summing up all that we had that day, I realized; later on that I owe her 10 Rupees. That annoys me now, but hey… that’s alright, I guess, who bothers anyway? Maybe on another day, she’d owe me 100 bucks. So we started yapping and I might add the subjective clause – “as usual” I mean, I am not sure if she was floundered when I was there sitting beside her, heh… I couldn’t feel any unrest in her, so I assume she was as relaxed as I was. We spoke about a lot of different things. She showed me some of the snaps that she had on her mobile phone; which was presumably expensive. Expensive mobile phones scare the shit out of me. I really do not understand the need for such high-end gadgets whose only purpose is to keep you connected. Anyhow, she looked made-up on some of the pictures she showed me of Sunday’s party. Yes, the typical beauty conscious, healthy faced crowd? Yeah, she belonged to that tribe. By the looks of it, I could also assume that she loved partying. Dancing, but of course is a craze amongst the North Indians and she had told me, I don’t remember when, but yeah, she had told me that she loved dancing!

Great, so we came to a point wherein we had finished hogging and me, my usual sloppy self I had some puffs remaining on my plate. I did not particularly enjoy its sight, but then it stayed there cause it had to. She had a lot of weird questions. I remember the one where we argued about consensus and people’s opinion about our lives. I told her that I don’t care about people, but their consensus is something that bothers me. Then she wanted to know if pain and suffering gave me pleasure. It was a stern no from my side, cause it did not help me when I was in pain. According to what she meant, pain and suffering is a part of life and enjoying it as it goes by is better than crib about it. My point of view was different, which she could not absorb, well, opinions… heh; I wouldn’t try changing an opinion. Especially of a person who is as good as or better than me when it came to reasoning. I would never crib about pain and suffering, but yes… it bothers me and I don’t like it. If I’d ever face a situation wherein I was in severe pain I would find a subway out of it and make sure that I don’t have to use that subway again. Her blue eyes gleamed when she tried to put her views through and I did not want to argue more for some unforeseen reason.

Suddenly, she puts me a blinder – “Anup, how spontaneous are you?” I go like, “I’m, I’m… huh? I’m spontaneous enough to answer your questions” she responds, “Alright, here’s some paper (she gives me some tissue) write down whatever it is that comes to your mind” I was taken aback for a minute cause I couldn’t think of nothing. Writing is a passion and I don’t use pen and paper, I use my fingers and my blacky’s keyboard! Hell, I had to write something. I couldn’t look like a puppy who did not know what to do, right? So… yeah, I went about the herculean task by starting off with one of my favorite 4 liners:

I don’t think you trust
In my self righteous suicide
I cry when angels deserve to die
In my self righteous suicide
I cry when angels deserve to die

Now that gave me the zeal to think and I wrote the following:

Who are we? Where did we come from? Was god the reason for our existance?

-Answer, God? No. He made us, but he made us on a Friday, when he was nearing a weekend that he had awaited for light-years. Imperfections, flaws and vulnerabilities… this is what we pay for being last on the assembly line. Can we correct this sloppy copy, this mortal coil that not even evolution has perfected yet, science is the answer, maybe…

-Anup

In the meanwhile, she had a book in hand which she showed me like an excited kid. That book had illustrations which differentiated man and woman in the best probable manner. I do not remember who authored it, but whoever it was, sure seemed to be someone who deserved respect. It’s out of sheer determination and hard work that one would ever understand womanhood. I did not expect an answer from her to the above mentioned piece of shit, but she chose to reply, again to my amazement and amusement. She went like this:

‘We’ – are the mob… sometimes it’s so easy to write about oneself, specially when you know that there are people who would appreciate you no matter what you write, but the other times, its so damn tough… (I am simply embarrassed for being so free hand as I am not able to put forward the appropriate thought… that’s what happens when I have a critic in front of me! )

We came from… hmm… eternity and would probably dissolve in the same.

“God” ain’t the reason for our “existence” but he is the reason for our confidence. He is our (at least mine) psychological necessity. Someone who made my father buy me extra chocolates when I was six. Someone who helped me get up early morning during my Xth boards. Someone I can bank upon (not for aid, but for support) when I’m low… I trust him – so I trust myself.

Imperfections, vulnerabilities and flaws are the beauty of a person… something which makes us so god-damned interesting and inquisitive. It gives us a reason to know more and be perpetually curious.

-Nisha

Ohh well, I was amazed at the way she efficiently handled words and not only that all of it was conveyed in a simple and lucid manner. Just like me, I might add. I couldn’t say much, I checked up with her if it was ok for me to carry the stuff she wrote and she nodded affirmative. I still have the tissue with me! Heh, I’m crazy, I know… but I like remembering moments like these… when Anup spent some time with a girl he met online.

I had bought along my slam book, which I wanted her to sign. It also had pictures, yes, all of the pictures that I loved ohh-so-dearly. Unfortunately for us, we had to keep bags outside and couldn’t carry any personal belongings; especially books to the interiors, which I could understand… since it was a library or a bookstore of sorts. That’s when I remembered that I had to consult her for some skin trouble that I had! I don’t leave opportunities like these that come by and I don’t have to pay for it. So, yes, I had this skin disorder called “Lichen Planus” I showed it to her wondering if she could probably dig into her books (cause she was studying derma at that point of time). Those rashes on my hand looked pretty disgusting, eeeks! I hated its very sight. She did not know what to do, but yes, she kinda plucked my fingers with her own as if trying to examine the marks closely. She was skeptical, I think, so she was trying to hold my hand carefully, trying to avoid any of the aftermath that she’d have to go through on contracting the disease. I was worried, cause I did not want her to suffer, heh… cause that’d surely spoil her skin, which was important to her! I’m a guy, no one cares… but in her case, she’s this popular girl who’d not want such rashes! I pulled off, and managed to divert her attention. Finally, she got a call from one of her friends and she had promised to have lunch with him. She asked me, being such a gentle lady, “Would you want me to cancel that plan?” I’d do that if you plan to stick her for some more! I did not want to make things difficult for her, so I nodded a polite negative and told her that it was time for me to proceed to work. It was Monday and I would have loved to talk to her some more, but then she had to leave, so be it!

We were together… for uhm, 3 odd hours roughly and I enjoyed every minute that I spoke with her. If I have not mentioned before. I am not the kind of person who’d find friends waiting for me at every other corner! I choose my friends, god doesn’t. It takes some kind of a match in brain-frequency when I decide to make an acquaintance; my friend. Friendship is divine, that’s what I have to say. I can’t live without the people I call friends and I’d be careful before adding her in that list of elite people. I know that she’s already (all so quick) made herself a friend as in “a someone” who is more than an acquaintance, heh! I’m strange. Finally, as we were departing, she asked me, “So, Anup, what do you have to say about this meeting?” I really wanted to say a “WOW” But yeah, by then… this fell from my mouth, “As expected, everything went as expected” geez, some shit! I don’t know what she thought of me then, but yeah… we did not speak much till we neared the gates and she bid me farewell! I cropped up my bike and rode back to Aundh, time for work!

I knew that I’d spend at least an hour or two when I have my re-think bouts, which essentially has to be before I sleep. I tried my level best to avoid thinking about her or the whole meet up, and I was successful, cause I got back to work and heh, got busy. She gave me a buzz when I was at work; funny, she wanted to know more about the bike that I had. One of her friends wanted to get himself a bike and I guess she was trying to help him out. I gave her all the information I could, and I think the guy has got himself a Pulsar. It’s a really cool bike! I love mine. I thought about it all when I reached home and I’ve written stuff in my diary; uhm, I think I have. Yes, it’s a tiny report on the series of events that happened to me on that eventful Monday, but yes it sure helps in recalling the day better.

From that day on, she was a bit odd in the way she spoke to me; or so I thought. I mean, we spoke less until Thursday, that’s when she told me that she’s missing home and she’s studying her brains off! Whoa! That answered my questions about her whereabouts. But here is where I find the pun. After Thursday, she never called me or replied to my messages for the next, uhm… 4 days! I don’t know what I felt about the whole situation then, but it was bad. I felt like a stupid monger who lost a friend cause he showed himself off. Scary people are supposed to remain submerged in themselves. Anyhow, let’s not discuss that part, just makes me feel sick. We spoke on Tuesday then and that’s when she told me a few sucky things. That’s when I realized that she was such a girl! I mean, she had to be, right!?!?! What was I thinking in the first place? She was special cause she was a girl and… had the additional few positives in her. But then, she was a girl to begin with and had all the same premonitions about a guy she met online, and a few other questions in her mind that were probably left unanswered. I learnt that I must not expect things out of her, cause like I said she has a few positives that makes her so special. She isn’t the typical person who’d expect you to call or someone you’d expect to give you a call. She’s careless, insensitive (at times) and ignorant about worldly dogmas. I mean it amazed me that she is… the way she is! But I guess that’s the way she is and that’s when she’s her best! She mustn’t change for all the good in the world!

A small dedication to the girl who lied about her name, but still managed to carve herself a place in my thoughts:

EPIPHANY - POETRY

Your words to me just a whisper
Your face is so unclear
I try to pay attention
Your words just disappear

‘Cause it’s always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said

So I speak to you in riddles cause
My words get in my way. I smoke the
Whole thing to my head and feel it
Wash away ’cause I can’t take anymore
Of this, I wanna come apart.
Or dig myself a little hole inside
Your precious heart

‘Cause it’s always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said

I am nothing more than a little boy inside
That cries out for attention
Yet I always try to hide
‘Cause I talk to you like children,
Though I don’t know how I feel
But I know I’ll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed
‘Cause it’s always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said

Thus, here ends the story about a girl online that I met.

DECORUM HERBATA:

The above mentioned data is true to the best of my knowledge. I haven’t made any changes to the happenings and all that’s put forward here is nothing less than my sincere feelings to a few events that occurred like an Epiphany in my life. If you, as someone close to me cannot understand WHAT here is the Epiphany, then you are not worthy of knowing it anyway. No questions about the above said would be entertained.

Random Bullshit.

So what if you’ve loved me, she asked.
So what if you’ve given me the things you say you have…
You never gave me what I really wanted; she continued.
I wanted freedom, why couldn’t you just let me be, she went on.
And on she went, ranting about how I was a jailor,
She felt like a prisoner… she lamented!

I pleaded to know what it was that I did wrong,
Why did she hate me so much? thats all that I asked her.
I don’t need to answer you, she flared up, hot in flames nearly.
She asked me not to yell or I wouldn’t hear from her;
Ohh no! that just meant that she would never talk to me again.
It was coming anyway, I thought and continued to question her…
Like an ass who couldn’t hold on to his dignity.
Pfft, there isn’t much left now anyway, is there Anu?

I continued to tell her what I felt and how all of what happened hurt me,
You are always hurt and crying anyway, she replied callously.
Did you make an attempt to help me? I asked.
Here is where she gave her regular list of “OHH NO!! things” that I did.
-You broke my aspirations.
-You gave me nothing but things.
-You annoyed me with your phone calls and messages.
-You are annoying.
-You took away my friends.
What? Ok. Anything more? I am still trying to look for a reason…
She was quite for a while and sighed a heavy *sigh* and said;
I did what I did cause I felt like,
And if I did wrong and like you say, Gods watching, isn’t he?
Well, I’d let him punish me, not you.

The call ended here and she was brave enough to write to me,
She said she wanted me to “let her be”
And she doesn’t want to talk to me.
Finally, words which mean nothing to me, apologies.
I did not brood over what happened from there on.
I’d rather write than think, sets my mind free.
Or maybe its just something I feel…Complex human emotions, love, hatred, lust, greed, selfishness; I saw everything.
I’ve experienced a human side in two people,that would otherwise have never come out.

Love isn’t fair, and out of experience I can say, you have to be plain lucky.
What has to come to you, will.
It might go all over the place, but in the end, its coming to you.
Whats not yours will never be.
You’ll see a mirage and you’ll live in a dream,
But one fine day, the dreams going to break, like a brimming soap bubble.
The remaining bubbles full of soap will fall into your eyes.
If that annoys you - let it not! Continue…
You just can’t quit living; damn, that sucks!
I realize now, I’m so tired…

-Anup